How do you move forward, after being depressed for so long? After being in a slump, for so long?
How do you move forward, when your mind is hardly rooted in reality? When you still think it’s four years ago? When you’re nearly twenty, but you feel like a fifteen year-old?
How do you move forward, when you’re not ready to be an adult? When you’re not ready to grow up, because you hardly ever got to be a child? Because so much responsibility was thrown on your shoulders at such a young age? Because this cruel world has taught you to fear; and be selfish; and be prideful, but also to feel worthless; and to never, ever trust anyone? How do you move forward, when you’re still reliving all the pain you suffered in the past? When you can’t forget? When you don’t want to forget? Because the pain is all you can remember clearly, of a life that’s moving by too quickly?
How do you move forward, when it’s like nobody understands you? When it’s like nobody cares? When all they see is the lazy girl sleeping her life away? When all they do is make up excuses for why they can’t help, and why it’s all your fault? How do you move forward, when you don’t understand yourself?
How do you move forward, after being sick, but not really sick, for you don’t even know how long anymore? When every day blurs with the next and the last? When dreams are just dreams and nothing is ever achieved? When life is too hard so you sleep all day but the night is too much so you hide in fantasy, hoping that tomorrow, maybe, you’ll get up on time and do something that will make them, that will make you, happy? How do you move forward, when you’re ashamed of what you’ve become? How do you move forward, when every time you try, when every time any bit of progress is made, the disease comes back and takes you in its arms and lulls you back to bed and whispers sweet, hopeful promises in you ears? “Tomorrow…tomorrow…”
How do you move forward, when all you want to do is move back? When you just want to go back and fix all the mistakes you’ve made? When you just want to go back and try again and maybe this time, this time, you’ll do it right? Perfectly?
How do you move forward, when you’re alone in the dark and the weight of the whole world and all the future and all the past is crushing your shoulders and there’s nothing to hold on to and the only light is a small glint far in front of you promising you a better “tomorrow…tomorrow…”, but there’s a huge gap in-between you and it and nothing can tell you how to get to the other side?
You’re just supposed to “figure it out”. And I’m trying to “figure it out”, but there’s no guide, no perfect solution, no rope to pull me over. I’m trying and I’m trying, but I don’t even know what’s trying and what’s lazy anymore. What’s success and what’s failure. What’s sleep and what’s wake. Who I am and who I am not. Who am I? Where am I going? What’s to become of me?
Will I ever make them proud?
…Will I ever be Better?
I’m trying to figure it out. I’m working. I’m moving. I’m breathing. I’m planning.
But that is all my life has become. Just thoughts.