So This Is How My Day Went #5

‘sup. Been a few weeks. I guess that’s something you should know about me. I do things in phases. Online activities included. It’s just how I am. So don’t freak if you don’t hear from me for several months. I’m just off playing Sims.

Things are pretty bad right now I guess. Anxiety’s high. Sleep cycle’s f***ed (when is it not?). Still obsessing about my relationship with Kaiden; not sure if that means I should break up with him or if I’m just over-thinking things. I hope it’s the latter because breaking up with him would ruin choir for me. But at the same time, I just don’t know. And shouldn’t I know? Kaiden isn’t easy to talk to. We’ve been dating for just over four months now and we hardly know anything about each other. He has no idea how completely messed up I am, and the way we’re going he’ll never find out. I don’t know what it is with him, he just wants to talk about the same things over and over again. He’s nice, very sweet, but he never wants to just talk about life. I also don’t know if he washes his hands, which for a germaphobe who has OCD, that’s very stressful, but I don’t know how to, well, make sure he washes his hands. That’s not even something normal people do. But I am not dating someone who doesn’t wash their hands…it just won’t work out. I already spent a few days last week with humongous anxiety over it. But when it comes down to it, my mind just keeps circling over “Should I break up with him? Do I like him? How do I like him? How do I get him to talk to me?”. Over and over, for I’d say three months now. Y’know I thought that when you date someone you’re not supposed to be obsessing over if you like them or not. You know, and if you stop liking them you’ll know. But, nah, why would my brain make things easy for me?

I wonder if I should just give up and break up with him. But I really don’t want to. There are a billion reasons why I don’t want to, one of them being I don’t know what our friendship would be like afterwards. The whole time I’ve known him, I’ve either had a crush on him or we’ve been dating. I don’t know how to see him as just a friend. And choir would dissolve into a mush of drama (yes, a mush of drama; it makes sense) if we broke up, I just know it. But all I want right now is for things to go back to normal. How they were before him and I started dating. Right now I really regret saying yes to him asking me out. I had no clue what I was getting myself into.

Honestly I just want everything to go away. I don’t want any friends or obligations. I just want to stay home all day and watch TV. I guess I’m depressed again. I sleep all day and I’m stressed out and the past couple days I’ve felt numb. And my anxiety has been so bad for a while now. It’s like, every three to seven days my OCD or whatever shitty part of my brain likes to torture me picks something new to freak out about, and I silently struggle with that until something new comes along. There hasn’t been a break from this cycle and I’m just so sick of it.

I just want to move on with my life. I’m sick of being stuck. It’s been…three years since I’ve moved forward. I’m still stuck in…2012, I guess. I haven’t done anything meaningful with my life since 2012. My friends are sophomores in college and I’m still a high school junior. My little sister is about to pass me up in life. I just want to move on but moving on requires work, and I don’t know if it’s laziness or what but I really just don’t want to do the work. I just want to skip ahead to when I’m normal again.


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