Things are pretty bad right now. I’m just a total mess, internally. My anxiety’s just been awful the past few days, and I’m getting stressed about Kaiden again, and life’s boring, and I don’t know what to do. Everything’s always the same. It never changes. I sleep all day, play the computer, eat, watch TV, and daydream. It’s fall and I want to actually do things, but I don’t know what to do.
I can’t even really write right now. Everything’s all jumbled up. But it’s 2 AM and I want to sleep but I’m so lonely, and now I’m crying because I miss my pet rats that died almost a year ago. And I’m also stressed because I still need to finish cleaning out their cage and I want to have that done before the anniversary of my first one’s death, but I don’t want to do it and I don’t know how to do it and I’m lazy anyway. And I’m so overwhelmed but I’m so bored at the same time. There’s nothing to do. What are you supposed to do? What does a nineteen year-old who can’t drive and is afraid of people and doesn’t have many friends in town and doesn’t want to party do for fun besides play on the computer all day?? And I’m sick of playing on the computer but at the same time that’s all I want to do. And my anxiety is just so bad everything is freaking me out. And I just want to get out of this stupid house but there’s nowhere to go.
And the relationship OCD is coming back. I like Kaiden, I have to otherwise why would he be the only one I want to text right now, why would I have spent the past few weeks wanting to be around him all the time, why would I have no desire to break up with him if I didn’t like him? But today was a bad day and I’m worrying about our relationship again, and I just know the relationship OCD is going to come back and eat away at me again. How am I ever supposed to marry someone if dating does this to me? But what if Kaiden and I aren’t supposed to be together? He’s so hard to talk to, but at the same time I know there’s something really amazing hiding underneath his awkwardness and I’ve seen it before but it’s always just fleeting glimpses…is it right to date someone when you hardly see the person you’re truly dating?
It doesn’t make sense, I know. Nothing makes sense right now and I don’t know what to do. I just want to go to sleep but my thoughts are racing everywhere and how can I sleep when my mind won’t shut up? I don’t know what to do……And I’m worried it’s coming. What if it’s coming to take the little happiness I have away? I don’t want it to come but I can see it in the peripheral, waiting to get me as soon as I let my guard down. It’s like a giant black monster hiding behind the trees preying on me, stalking me, just waiting to eat me up. I’m not ready to be sad again but it’s coming and I just want to live a normal, happy life and have fun and do something and achieve all my goals but how can I when it’s coming and I’m stuck in this stupid house in this stupid town in this stupid world with all these stupid people and all this horrible evil?
Everything is so awful and I just want to go to sleep.