So one of the goals of this blog is to show others struggling with mental illness that they aren’t so weird after all. In order to do that, I supposed it’d be best to go the whole way and share as much information as possible (y’know, within reason) about my own personal struggles with mental illness. The ups, and the downs. So, without further ado, let’s get this party started.
Today was a bad day. I didn’t fall asleep until three or four (or five?), and I don’t know when’s the first time I woke up. I went back to sleep and woke up and went back to sleep a couple more times until six-ish (at night), then I just laid in bed for another two-and-a-half hours browsing the Web on my phone and wondering where I went wrong. Sometime between 8:30 and 9, just as I was about to decide to not get up at all today, I heard my mom yell to my dad to come check on me. I didn’t feel like trying to explain to him why I had stayed in bed all day, so I got up, went to the kitchen as sneakily as I could, and got dinner, hoping no one would notice or acknowledge me. My family was watching TV, and the show got my mind off things and I cheered up a bit. Still, it was 9:00 by that point. Kinda too late to turn a horrible day around.
I’m not entirely sure what caused this bout of depression other than anxiety over some small issue and me getting fed up with my eternally screwed-up sleep schedule (combine OCD, a desire to enjoy more than four hours of sunlight, and a chronically nocturnal sleep schedule and you get a depressed Anon). What small issue triggered my ridiculously high anxiety this time? My boyfriend Kaiden’s mom posted a picture of us on Facebook with the privacy set to Public. And I really, really do not like my picture being Public. Now, she’d asked me if she could post the picture, but had not mentioned that she’d make it Public, and I hadn’t thought to clarify until later that night after I was already back at home. When I realized the issue, I checked her profile, saw that the picture wasn’t posted, and assumed she’d set it to Friends Only (her and I are not FB friends). I dropped the subject, only to discover two days later that she’d posted it and made it Public. I wanted to ask her to change the privacy, but the next time I’d see her would be Tuesday, and if I asked her then she might think I was a creep stalking her FB account. I ruminated over this repeatedly throughout the weekend, until today I guess the anxiety built to a point that my subconscious decided the world was too much and I should just stay in bed. After dinner, I talked things over with my mom, and she assured me I didn’t need to worry about the picture. I felt better after that, but of course by now my mind has picked something else to worry about (my Sims game isn’t going perfectly; yes, I’m completely serious).
So, to sum it all up, I didn’t get dressed today, I didn’t brush my teeth today, I stink pretty bad, my stomach is in knots, I’m hungry, I have a headache, I feel lousy, and it’s 3 AM and I’m not tired at all.
What do I unrealistically expect from myself tomorrow? To get up when my siblings do, make Kaiden a birthday present, and have the perfect day. What’s a more realistic expectation? Hopefully wake up before 5 PM, take a shower, brush my teeth, and drag my anxious butt to choir practice. Oh, and eat something other than potato chips.
Alright, this has been the first installment of So This Is How My Day Went. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I really hope it will be a good day…